


Shitpost time babey

by Inkblot_Skyz



Series: Mu17iv3r53 [new SJaT series] [2]
Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Ccino Nightmare and Cross all love eachother very much leave them alone, Crack, Crack Relationships, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, F/F, F/M, FUCK, Gen, Incorrect Quotes, M/M, More OCs than the fingers on my hands, No Plot/Plotless, SJaT, Shitposts, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, heavy content made stupid, i make SJaT look much more domestic than it currently is, kill me, what the fuck am I doing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:35:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22177909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inkblot_Skyz/pseuds/Inkblot_Skyz
Summary: aka what I work on when writer's block hits me(Don't worry! This one is now separate from the original series, so it won't get discontinued!)
Relationships: AfterDeath - Relationship, CherryBerry, Errink, Fluffynight/Crossmare, Krème, Music Video (Sketch/BB - shut up I know it's a bad name), Rot (Rasp/Blot)
Series: Mu17iv3r53 [new SJaT series] [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1733875
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	1. Incorrect quotes

**Ruby:** Ok everyone, I’d like you to tell me what color you think Digit’s shirt is.  
**Emyx:** Gray?  
**Millie:** Gray.  
**Miles:** Gray…  
**Rei:** Definitely Gray.  
**Ruby:** Good; Now what do _you_ think it is, Dig?  
**Digit, quietly:** Dark White…

* * *

**Aqui:** Small creatures are more viscious than bigger ones because there isn’t enough room for their anger.  
**Neo:** Well, that doesn’t sound too scientific, where’s the proof? What could possibly-  
**Dab:** Spiders.  
**Cherry:** Wasps.  
**Taur:** Chihuahuas.  
**Kiwi:** My Mom.

* * *

**Geno:** If you took a shot for every bad decision you’ve made, how drunk would you be?  
**Blue:** Maybe a little tipsy???  
**Ink:** Drunk.  
**Reaper:** Wasted.  
**Error:** _Dead._

* * *

**Ink:** There’s three ways to do things; the right way, the wrong way, and the Ink way!  
**Dream:** Isn’t that last one the same as the wrong way?  
**Ink:** Yeah, but faster!

* * *

**Ink, babysitting:** I’ve got this under control!  
**Sci:** Is that why everything is on fire?

* * *

**Blue:** You’re so tall! What can you see up there?  
**Error:** Everyone’s flaws.

* * *

**Edge:** Can you pass the salt?  
**Red:** *throws Rasp across the table*

_Or, in a similarly dysfunctional household-_

**Ink:** Hey Glitchy, pass the sa-  
**Error:** *leaves the table*  
**Blot is yeeted down the stairs to the table by a smug looking Error, who doesn’t seem to care about his screams.**

* * *

**Ink, seeing Blot didn’t leave for the OT one day:** What are you doing here?  
**Blot:** I fucking live here.

* * *

**Error, to Blot:** I care more about embarrassing you than my whole life and purpose.

* * *

**Nightmare:** When you’ve been the personification of Negativity all your life such as I, you develop thick skin (or, as I like to call it, thick goop)-  
**Cross:** Magenta is not your color.  
**Nightmare:** It brinGS OUT MY EYES YOU PRICK-

* * *

**Blot:** Do you think I could fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?  
**Gradient:** You’re a hazard to society.  
**Rasp:** And a coward; do 20.

* * *

**Nightmare:** Well, this has been a great day.  
**Ccino:** What happened?  
**Nightmare:** I ran into Dream-  
**Cross:** How is that great-  
**Nightmare:** -With a car.

* * *

**Nightmare:** You uncultured swines haven’t read a word in your life! Name a _single book_ that made you cry!  
**Horror:** General Mathematics, 6th Edition-  
**Killer:** Ooh shit, it’s universal.

* * *

**Ink:** Hey, are you asleep?  
**Error:** Yeah, now shut u-  
**Ink:** If you’re a farmer who takes care of chickens, you’re a chicken tender.  
**Error, staring wide eyed at the ceiling:  
Error:** Go the fuck to sleep it’s 3am.

* * *

**[Just after Afterdeath is established]  
Geno: **Since when is babysitting Reaper my-  
**Geno:** Oh stars, that’s _exactly_ my job…

* * *

**Digit:** Can I have the night light on, Daddy?  
**Error:** And provide a beacon for all the corrupted souls in the Hyperverse? Use your head, sweetie.

* * *

**Dream:** We’re having the best time, aren’t we Night?  
**Nightmare:** I wish I was dead.

* * *

**Cross:** What exactly are you doing?  
**Ccino, surrounded by an endless amount of cats:** Building a family.

* * *

**Killer:** I have a few knives up my sleeves.  
**Cross:** Do you mean “tricks”?  
**Killer, pulling out several sacrificial knives:** I do not.

* * *

**Ink:** Well, Dream thinks I’m clever!  
**Dream:** I wouldn’t go that far.


	2. Incorrect Quotes the Second

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hi yes person who makes creative titles here-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some info regarding the first one, if you're interested, just be aware that there's (unfortunately obviously) topics covered here that can be considered uncomfortable to read (stay safe!):  
> https://www.photoandgrime.com/blog-1/2018/10/11/pieke-roelofs/youtuber-exurb1a-exposed-sickening-truth-about-an-abuser  
> https://www.photoandgrime.com/blog-1/2018/12/19/pieke-roelofs/dutch-news-again-confirms-police-have-been-looking-for-youtuber-exurb1a-amid-unrelated-google-and-youtube-search-results  
> (please note that if you directly search "exurb1a rape," the first news article that appears, titled "Girl made false accusation of rape after her ex-boyfriend rejected her," is completely unrelated to this case, as stated within the second link.)
> 
> whew, that was heavy. time to shitpost-

**Ink, researching a Youtuber Blot used to watch:** So far this guy seems really funny and interesting and-  
 **Ink:** Ah shit, he’s a sex offender.  
 **Error:** Oh boy, here I go killing again-  
 **Ink:** I’d say no to this, but he deserves it. Go Glitchy!

[In all seriousness, his name is exurb1a and I’d suggest you do some research on this case if you’re already a fan like I was until 10 minutes ago. As witty as he is and the amount of entertainment he’s provided me with for a good while, I don’t want to watch sexual predator’s videos or see them in my recommended feed just because I happen to watch Kursgezart, though that might stop too because they’re apparently supporting him during all this (I knew those birds were up to something).]

* * *

 **BB:** My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss him on the lips, what should I do?  
 **Rasp:** Punch him in the gut and kiss him when he doubles over.  
 **Blot:** Tackle him.  
 **Miles:** Dump him.  
 **Millie:** Kick him in the shin.  
 **Sketch:** NO TO ALL OF THOSE! JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN!

* * *

 **BB:** Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.  
 **Blot:** Killed without hesitation.  
 **BB:** No!-

* * *

 **Blue:** How tall are you?  
 **Ink:** Height is a social construct.  
 **Error:** So you’re short.

* * *

 **Dream:** Did you just refer to your knife as a “people opener”?  
 **Killer:** Should I not have?

* * *

 **Millie:** I like your dress.  
 **Rei:** Thanks, it was 50% off!  
 **Millie:** I’d prefer it if it were 100% off.  
 **Rei:** The store can’t just give out free stuff.  
 **Millie:** That’s not what I-  
 **Rei:** That’s a terrible way of running a business, Millie.

* * *

 **Incubux:** You have no idea what I’m capable of!  
 **Nightmare:** No offense, but I feel like I’m being threatened by a cupcake.  
 **Incubux:  
Incubux:** MOM-  
 **Nightmare:** I TAKE IT BACK-

* * *

 **Sketch:** *taps table*  
 **Miles:** *taps back*  
 **Millie:** What the hell are they doing?!  
 **Blot:** Morse code.  
 **Miles:** *aggressively taps table*  
 **Sketch, tearing up:** *slams hands on table* yOU TAKE THAT BACK!

* * *

 **Blue, teaching Rasp and BB to cook:** Now, shake it!  
 **Red:** *shimmies*  
 **Blue:** The containers, Red.

* * *

 **Error:** I have no fears.  
 **Ink:** I’m cooking dinner tonight!  
 **Error:  
Error: **I have one fear

* * *

[Pre-Errink established]  
 **Blue:** Error would destroy worlds for you!  
 **Ink:** Error would and _does_ already destroy worlds for fun.

* * *

 **Killer:** Danger is my middle name!  
 **Dream:** Well that’s a lie!  
 **Dream:** Your middle name is Cutie-Pie!  
 **Killer:  
Dream: ***boops him on the nose*

* * *

 **Error, coming down the stairs:** Is something burning?  
 **Ink, leaning against the kitchen counter seductively:** Only my burning desire for you~.  
 **Error:  
Error: **Ink, the toaster is on fire-

* * *

 **Blue:** I look up to you, Error.  
 **Error:** Why the fuck is that a good idea-  
 **Blue:** Because you’re tall.

* * *

[Before Afterdeath exists and it’s GenoxDust instead because yes]

 **Reaper, covering Geno’s eye from behind:** Guess who~!  
 **Geno:** Either Dust or the cold clammy hands of De-  
 **Geno:** Wait-  
 **Reaper:** Damn, didn’t know my hands were cold.


	3. Expectation vs Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hOLY SHIT I ACCIDENTALLY POSTED THIS IN DIMENSIONS I'M SUCH A FUCKING MORON AAAAAAAA
> 
> (also, take these with a pinch of salt 'cause they're only canon in SJaT)

**Ink  
Expectation:** Ranging from a soulless fuck to heavily fanon uwu artist “I love _all_ my creations!!!!1!111!1!” boi.  
 **Reality:** Still a soulless fuck except he can somehow feel (???) because Dream said so. Also a chaotic neutral, but that’s canon anyway. Very gay, but that’s obvious.

* * *

 **Error  
Expectation:** Either tragic babey or “EVERYONE MUST DIE” chaotic evil.  
 **Reality:** A strange mix between Lawful and Chaotic Neutral. Just wants chocolate, Undernovela, and some peace and quiet. Also, he’s not a top or a bottom you fuckers; Switch Error is best Error, don’t @ me. Loves embarrassing his children. Tsundere because of who he used to be. Actually wears his glasses (most of the time).

* * *

 **Blue  
Expectation:** “SUGOI!11!11!!! KAWAII DESUUU!!11!!!!” uwu innocent cinnamon roll soft boy who loves everyone and has probably also _dated_ everyone at some point. Also, tacos are life.  
 **Reality:** A little sinner, probably worshipped Satan at some point. He’s a switch too. Only pretends to be a cinnamon roll but hates that people don’t take him seriously now unless it’s people he’s close to (and even then that’s a stretch when it comes to Ink and Dream). Also, he only makes tacos because of Alphys; probably has a self-indulgent ketchup stash somewhere (a Sans is a Sans, after all).

* * *

 **Red  
Expectation:** Horny bastard most of the time or Edgy Mc “I cry myself to sleep.” Has never known the joy of holding onto a balloon without accidentally letting go, instead letting it slowly deflate in the corner of his room.  
 **Reality:** Pervert but knows people’s boundaries (Blue is people). Probably does still cry late at night, but he has a gosh darn husband who loves him and makes sure the sadness fucks off. Pretends he’s a top, but he’s a switch too (I love me some switches alright, shut up Karen).

* * *

 **Dream  
Expectation: **“I’m babey uwu.” Probably scared or concerned 24/7. Loves trees (yoU’LL BE OBSESSED WITH ALL HIS FOREST EXPERTISE-). Most likely to fall in love with stoic people, for some reason.  
 **Reality:** He’s a top, ok. Also can defend himself. Can and _will_ go apeshit at Nightmare for something stupid, despite not doing so in serious circumstances. Lived off of ramen at some point. Probably just a banana in disguise.

* * *

 **Nightmare  
Expectation:** S p o o k y. Pissed off with everything and everyone. Tentacle hentai monster.  
 **Reality:** Books are cool. Secretly still a soft boy. Doesn’t actually hate Dream, it’s more of a sibling thing now. Polyamory is cool, too. Loves his boyfriend and husband very much.

* * *

 **Killer  
Expectation:** What is his purpose actually fuck I can’t do this now-  
 **Reality:** Adorable little shit. Tells people he’s a top, but he’s a power bottom at most (and even then that power dissipates). Tries to be edgy but it doesn’t work. Dream's little cutie-pie.

* * *

 **Cross  
Expectation:** Stoic bastard. Probably has no friends outside of Dream. Hates Ink in most scenarios.  
 **Reality:** Theatre geek fanboy. Loves annoying people, especially his Nightlight. No one knows whether he’s top or bottom, but he sure does like that good tentacle fucc (*wheezes* that was harder to type out than I thought it would be). He’s smol, btw. Also a poly guy but is too awkward to actually make any moves on anyone (Nightmare is the one who started it out of boredom, but it gradually grew into real love). Probably soul crushingly in love with his husband’s boyfriend but ignores it a lot.

* * *

 **Ccino:  
Expectation:** One big uwu.  
 **Reality:** …Nothing here has changed much actually. Oh, but he’s poly too, but his ace ass is too shy to come out to his boyfriend and confess to said boyfriend’s husband (*romantic tension ensues*). Like, half an inch taller than Cross.

* * *

 **Dust:  
Expectation:** Sociopathic murderer. Probably dated Blue at some point.  
 **Reality:** Had a poly with Killer and Horror until Horror decided to bite both of them in a hunger-driven rage. Probably discovered he’s aro-ace afterward. And yeah, he dated Blue; there’s a whole separate timeline dedicated to that (well, it was there until Ariel did stuff, anyway). Sings “I play Pokémon go everyday” unironically whilst doing exactly that. Most definitely does some weird shit when Nightmare’s not around to patronise him.

* * *

 **Horror:  
Expectation:** Psychologically damaged weirdo who’s creepy af.  
 **Reality:** Lies, all lies. He’s babey, and just wants some food. Still upset over what happened when the poly split off, but pretends he isn’t. Surprised his husband by showing him how he isn’t the bottom he seems to be ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

* * *

 **Lust:  
Expectation:** Does this need to be explained? You all know who he is, you sinners.  
 **Reality:** Gay. Definitely a power bottom. Not as slutty as you may first think. Love him or hate him, he’s spittin’ straight facts 😳

* * *

 **Fresh:  
** Go home, fools, he’s exactly as what you’d expect.

* * *

 **Epic:  
** Same thing for Epic, too.

* * *

 **G:  
** **Expectation:** Another horny bastard. You may think he’s the sexiest man alive, if you’re a fangirl (or used to be sksKSKSK-).  
 **Reality:** Probably owns a motorcycle. Loves his husband very much. Probably posts clickbait videos (“PRANKING ERROR AND INK!!! *Gone Wrong* DON’T TRY THIS! (Gone Sexual)” and stuff like that).

* * *

 **Chess:  
** **Expectation:** Literally just a chess piece.  
 **Reality:** Well, yes but actually no. Totally has a posh English accent. Probably has 4pm tea time. Back off and find your own mans, ladies, his husband is taken

* * *

 **Dance:  
** **Expectation:** Literally all he does is dance wtf how did he get so many fangirls-  
 **Reality:** Wants a quiet lifu with his waifu (hah wait until your daughter fucken- *shot because spoilers*). Fascinated by all dance and isn’t too lazy to learn you motherfuckers are just mean.

* * *

 **Katana:  
** **Expectation:** He go stabby stab with a sword.  
 **Reality:** That’s it, aside from the fact that he does indeed know Japanese and is a big fucking weeb.

* * *

 **Reaper:  
** **Expectation:** Big flirt. Probably hates a lot of people. Will not reap Geno. Big sad after Life “died” (Life be like “I lived bitch-“).  
 **Reality:** Chaotic gay energy emanates from him in large bursts. Big sad because his first and second Geno’s left him (Error and Fatal respectively). Happy again because his third one stayed with him. Probably wants a bajillion kids or something idk. Definitely top but didn’t actually initiate AfterDeath (his husbando did uwu).

* * *

 **Geno:  
** **Expectation:** Big sad Tsundere. Hates hooman child. “I-IT’S NoT LiKE I LikE YouuU! B-B-BakaAA!!11!”  
 **Reality:** Honestly loves Reaper with all his heart, he just gets disappointed at his life choices and overly sexual comments around kids. Probably is sad, but happier now he has a family again. Only slightly Tsundere (no hitting in this Christian household, kids). Maybe a masochist? He won’t tell anyone if he is or not, and even Reaper gets confused about it.

* * *

 **Sci:  
** **Expectation:** Nerd. Probably gets turned on by math equations. Basically Gaster but not really.  
 **Reality:** He has a life outside of his work, nerds. Loves his space bf a lot. Has most definitely gay panicked over said space bf. Wants a canary so he can be a canary parent and have his baby socialise with Red’s whilst they do momma birb gossip, but can’t because bf is allergic to feathers. Too shy to propose. A pure little bab, even though he’s top. Still a bit of a nerd tbh.

* * *

 **Outer:  
** **Expectation:** S p a c e.  
 **Reality:** Wants to get married to nerd bf, but doesn’t mind waiting for it to happen at said nerd’s pace. Allergic to feathers. Wants to steal one of Ccino’s many cats. F l o o f. Enjoys stargazing, but doesn’t do it 24/7. Probably wants 2 kids.

* * *

 **Ganz:  
** **Expectation:** Another sad boi.  
 **Reality:** Yes. Loves kids a lot. Also loves his husband a lot. Wakes up in the middle of the night at a specific time just so he can comfort said husband after he has nightmares.

* * *

 **Sensy:  
** **Expectation:** What even is the canon plot of his Sonatale in the first place?  
 **Reality:** Very protective over his husband and kids. Has nightmares (I think that’s canon though). Probably bottom, but he could be a top.


	4. Incorrect Quotes the Third: The much longer chapter to compensate for lack of updates elsewhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it's allllll in the title

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> generators and obscure inside jokes are fun :))
> 
> also oops i made this a year ago yesterday happy shitpost-versary

**Edge:** You have your Father's eyes.  
**Ariel:** So? I'm not giving them back!

* * *

**Error:** Is this legal?  
**Nightmare:** Yes.  
**Error, continuing to tear down an AU because there's too much water for Nightmare's liking:** Ok-

* * *

**Dream, preparing to sing:** Ooh~-  
**Nightmare:** -wAH AH AH AH

* * *

**Blot:** This is so sad, Alexa play Africa by Toto.  
**Alexa thing:** *plays Despacito*  
**Blot:** Dammit not again.

* * *

**BB, in littlespace:** Daddy?  
**Red:** Y-  
**Sketch:** Yes mY SWEET PRECIOUS PRINCESS TOO PURE AND GOOD FOR THE HYPERVERSE?!?!?!?!?

* * *

**Blot:** Sketch really went from "It's a pleasure to meet you, sir!" to "Your daughter calls me Daddy too," huh?  
**Rasp:** Go the fuck to sleep and stop thinking about your brother's sex life.  
**Sketch, climbing through the window:** Well actually littlespace isn't-  
**Rasp and Blot:** *screaming*

* * *

**Lavender:** Kiss and make-up?  
**Horror, sighing:** Get the damn lipstick.

* * *

**Kit, mumbling:** I wish I could kiss you...  
**Connor:** Huh?  
**Kit:** I saiD IF YOU DIED I WOULDN'T MISS YOU!-

* * *

**Goth:** So no one told ya life was gonna be this gay-  
**Goth:** *slams head against a door 4 times in succession*  
**Palette, taking over:** -Your life's a mess and you're severely underpaid!

* * *

**Xhaji:** Ok, some greetings that can also help you come out.  
**Raven:** I'm here, I'm queer-  
**Goth:** What's up guys? I'm a homosexual-  
**Shino:** SwIgGiTy SwInA i LiKe VaGiNa!!!!!!1!111!!1!  
**Sorrell, sobbing:** This is why Mom said I'm his favourite-

* * *

**Passion:** Suck me!  
**Gradient:** Pain.

* * *

**Cross:** You're a lying, cheating, piece of shit! You're not the person I married!  
**Nightmare:** Fine then! We're getting a divorce! And I'm taking the kids!  
**Ccino, pushing away the Monopoly board:** ...Mayyybe we should stop playing???

* * *

**Ink, at 3:23am exactly:** If you tear more holes in a net, it would end up having fewer...  
**Error, who's been listening to his nonsense all night:** STOP, THIS ISN'T THE KIND OF PILLOWTALK I MEANT-

* * *

**Killer:** *calls Dream*  
**Killer:** Uhhh hey, I hate to be "that" guy buuut I glued myself to the ceiling again-

* * *

**Dust:** *sharpens knife* We've got ways of making people talk!  
**Dust:** *cuts a piece of cake*  
**Horror:** ...Can I-  
**Dust:** For fuck's sake Horror nO IT'S NOT MEANT TO TEMPT _YOU_ -

* * *

**[Texting]**  
**Lavender:** You will machete through this!  
**Lavender:** *make it  
**Lavender:** Please do not machete your way through this  
**Horror:** Too late

* * *

**Miles:** Why do you have a diary?  
**Bunny:** To keep secrets from my computer, duh!

* * *

**Dust at Ink:** I dare you to-  
**Dream and Error in unison:** Ink isn't allowed to accept dares.  
**Dust:** ...Why?  
**Error:** *nudges Ink*  
**Dream:** *nods for him to say it*  
**Ink, bowing his head:** I apparently have no regard for my personal safety.

* * *

**Reaper:** *kicks the "G" off of a Graveyard sign* Let's get this party started.

* * *

**Silver:** *signs a legal document in glitter gel pen*

* * *

**Nightmare, shortly after corrupting:** Rules were made to be broken!  
**Dream:** Yeah- Uhh- Well! Bodies weren't!

* * *

**Ink, explaining his newfound distress:** I am very small. And I have no money. Soooo you can imagine the kind of stress I'm under.

* * *

**NaJ! Palette:** If I run and jump at Gothy, he'll catch me in his arms!  
**NaJ! Goth, holding coffee:** Wh-  
**NaJ! Palette:** *runs and jumps at Goth*  
**NaJ! Goth:** *drops coffee to catch him* What thE ACTUAL FUCK ROLLER-

* * *

**Polaris:** Things have actually been going really well with Red. Our friendship is in a really good place!  
**Polaris:** Last week I told him "Did you know the weiner dog is neither weiner nor dog?" and instead of saying "Shut up, space-cadet," he said "Ok"!!!

* * *

**Millie:** Welcome to my first vlog in which I will try different hair products!  
**Millie:** *sprays the hairspray in her mouth*  
**Millie, scrunching up her face:** Well, right off the bat I can say that this one is not very good-

* * *

**Blot, dumping a shopping bag full of Lunchables on the table:** Tonight, we _feast_.

* * *

**Blue:** Look, let's just agree to say "I'm sorry" on the count of three.  
**Blue:** One, two, three!-  
**Blue:**  
**Razz:**  
**Blue:** ...See, now I'm just disappointed in both of us!

* * *

**Edge:** You're under arrest for robbery!  
**Stretch:** For what?!? What did I steal?!?!?!?  
**Edge, tearing up:** Stealing my heart.  
**Stretch:**  
**Edge:**  
**Edge, telling the story later on:** ...And that's how we met-

* * *

**Ccino:** I like your shirt!  
**Cross:** Thanks-  
**Cross:** *remembers he likes bad boys* I stole it-  
**Cross:** *remembers he also likes nice guys* From an old man I was helping walk across the street-

* * *

**Sci, bad at flirting:** I like your name.  
**Polaris, just as bad if not worse:** Thanks, I got it for my birthday.

* * *

**Razz:** I am at a loss for words!  
**Classic, telling Red later:** Despite being lost for words, Razz yelled at me for the next 45 minutes.

* * *

**Goth:** I relate to Belle because she loves books and likes people for who they are!  
**Lotus:** I relate to Tinkerbell because she needs attention or she fucking dies-

* * *

**PkmnTrainer! Killer:** Do you like my outfit?  
**PkmnTrainer! Dream:** Not as much as I like what's underneath.  
**PkmnTrainer! Killer, blushing:** D-Dream!-  
**PkmnTrainer! Dream:** I need your chair, get up.

* * *

**Sprinkle:** Isn't surgery just stabbing someone to life?  
**Dust:** Please never become a surgeon.

* * *

**[Texting]**  
**Miles:** Time sensitive question how flirt boy  
**Bunny:** Throw rocks at he  
**Classic:** hot dog  
**Duchess:** Kill him  
**Miles:** Thanks guys

* * *

**Fresh, looking at Cray, Cil and Mono in the distance:** Do you miss the imagination of childhood?  
**PJ:** I never had one.  
**Omni, butting in:** An imagination or a childhood?

* * *

**Goth:** You read my diary?!  
**Raven:** At first, I didn't know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

* * *

**Ruby:** I wasn't hurt _that_ bad.  
**Ruby:** Digit said all the bleeding was internal, which is where it's supposed to be!

* * *

**Sketch:** I married my wife. I love saying "my wife," it sounds so adult.  
**Sketch:** "That's my wife." It's great! You sound like a person!

* * *

**Ink:** You tricked me!  
**Nightmare:** No, I merely deceived you. "Tricked" implies our relationship is of a playful nature.

* * *

**Horror:** Pardon the intrusion but-  
**Nightmare:** On this moment or just my life in general?

* * *

**Ink:** Name one time I haven't acted professional!  
**Dream:** You're holding a juice box right now!  
**Ink:** It's to stop me from spilling my juice!

* * *

**CoffeeShop! Error:** Bonjour, Ink. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?  
**CoffeeShop! Ink:** No, I don't want to sleep with you right now.  
**CoffeeShop! Error:** Wait, is that what that means?! Oh man, I had a really gross tennis instructor-

* * *

**Razz:** Classic, we tried things your way.  
**Classic:** No we didn't-  
**Razz:** I did it in my head and it didn't work!

* * *

**Ink:** Oh and for your information, I don't have an ego; my Facebook photo is a landscape!

* * *

**Splash:** Are you sure Miles is even gay? He barely even looked at me!

* * *

**Blue:** Can you keep a secret?  
**Ink:** Well, I'm good until I meet the next person...

* * *

**Error:** I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.  
**Blot:** All I drank was Redbull!!!  
**Error:** How many?  
**Blot:** ...Eighteen...

* * *

**Shino:** How much did you spend on this date?!  
**Ariel:** $1400. But since it's all on credit cards, that's like $5 a month for the next 2,000 years

* * *

**Goth:** You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.  
**Raven:** Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in his own pool, big difference!

* * *

**Error:** Ink, can I speak to you for a minute, in private?  
**Ink:** Ooh someone's in trouble!-  
**Ink:** ...It's me. I don't know why I did that.

* * *

**Error:** That sounds like a terrible plan.  
**Nightmare:** Oh, we've had worse.

* * *

**Palette:** I'm a firm believer in "if you're going to fail, you might as well fail spectacularly."

* * *

**Rasp:** *locks Blot in the car* Act like a child, get treated like a child.  
**Blot:** What?! Isn't it illegal to leave a child alone in a car?!?!

* * *

**Dream, about Ink:** He's speaking some kind of French.  
**Error:** let me handle it. I speak Spanish, they're practically the same thing.

* * *

**Geno:** Damn, Sci, are you secretly cool?  
**Sci:** Well, poker's just math, so I guess that depends on whether you consider the mathmetician, Carl Friedrich Gauss, cool.  
**Geno:** ...I do not.

* * *

**Dust:** Are you trying to seduce me?  
**Lavender:** Why, are you seducible?

* * *

**Cross:** Between Dust, Horror, Killer, and Error - if you had to - who would you punch?  
**Nightmare, passive:** None of them! They are my friends! I wouldn't punch any of them!  
**Cross:** ...So Killer?  
**Nightmare:** Yeah, but I don't know why!-

* * *

**Lavender:** So what do you have planned for the future?  
**Horror:** Lunch.  
**Lavender:** No, like, long-term.  
**Horror:** Oh...Uhh, dinner??

* * *

**Ink:** If you're having Dad problems, that's my jam, son!  
**Timothy:** Real weird take on my crappy Father.

* * *

**Stretch:** What are we doing?  
**Red:** Wasting our lives.  
**Stretch:** I meant for lunch.

* * *

**Ariel:** Ok, alright, let's hear about the kiss! Was it like- Was it like a soft brush against your lips? Or was it like a- You know- A "I gotta have you now" kinda thing?  
**BB:** Well, at first it was really intense, you know? And then- Oh stars- And then we just sort of sunk into it???  
**Ariel:** Ok, so- Ok, was he holding you?! Or was his hand like on your back?  
**BB:** No, uh, actually he started on my waist. And- And then, they slid up, and then, they were on my skull.  
**Ariel and Rasp, the former more excited than the latter:** Ohhh...  
**[Meanwhile]**  
**Sketch:** ...A-And, uhh- And then I kissed her!  
**Blot, chewing:** Tongue?  
**Sketch:** Y-Yeah?  
**Blot:** Cool.

* * *

**Dream:** Is anyone going to tell me what's going on in here?!  
**Blue:** It's kind of complicated, but Ink-  
**Dream:** Got it, forget I asked.

* * *

**[Watching a Horror Movie]**  
**Rurik:** Are you scared?  
**Lotus:** In this economy? Who wouldn't be?!

* * *

**Shino, going through *that* middle-schooler phase** : I have edge!  
**Goth:** You really don't. You are literally the most wide-eyed person I've ever seen. You have the face of a cartoon lamb!

* * *

**Timothy:** Tucker, I want you to play the role of my Father.  
**Tucker:** Ew no, I don't wanna be your Father!  
**Timothy:** Great! You already know your lines!

* * *

**Taur:** Did you notice how hot your sister has gotten?  
**Kai:** *glares*  
**Taur:** Because I didn't!

* * *

**Dream:** Those pants look great, but they'd look better on Blue's floor.  
**Blue:** ...Did you just hit on Red...*For me*??

* * *

**Sketch:** We're going mattress shopping.  
**BB:** You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in.  
**Sketch:** Oh, I hear what you're saying! Mattress trampoline!  
**BB:**  
**Sketch:** Wait no. You were talking about sex.

* * *

**BB:** Uh oh.  
**Rasp:** What?  
**BB:** Somebody's in loooove!  
**Rasp:** Yeah right. I just think Blot's cool. It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about him.  
**Rasp, later that night:** Uh oh...

* * *

**Ruby:** You really think I give a fuck?! I can't even read!

* * *

**Ink:** Welcome, fellow idiots.  
**Blue:** Hello, Ink.  
**Ink:** No, no, no, not you! You're not an idiot!  
**Blue:** You underestimate me.

* * *

**Noah:** What time is it?  
**Incubux:** I don't know, pass me that saxophone and we'll find out.  
**Incubux:** *plays the sax loudly and out of tune*  
**Nightmare:** WHO IN THE EVERLOVING FUCK-NUGGETS IS PLAYING THE SAXOPHONE AT 2 IN THE GOD DAMN MORNING?!?!?!??!  
**Incubux:** It's 2am.

* * *

**Rufous:** I think we're missing something.  
**Scarlett:** Teamwork?  
**Cookie:** Cohesion?  
**Charlie:** A general sense of what we're doing?

* * *

**Sci:** Poison is a magic transmutation potion that turns people into corpses.  
**Cross:** This knife is actually a magic wand.  
**Killer:** Meet me in the Denny's Parking Lot for a wizarding duel.  
**Polaris:** *cocks gun* Magic missile.  
**Nightmare:** What the fuck is wrong with you people?!?!

* * *

**Ccino:** Croissants, dropped.  
**Incubux:** Roadworks, ahead.  
**Noah:** BBQ sauce, on my titties.  
**Moon:** Shavacado, fre.  
**Swirl:** Miss Keisha, fuckin' dead.  
**Nightmare:**  
**Nightmare, grumpy:** I didn't understand a single word of that and I hate every single one of you.

* * *

**Nightmare:** You seem familiar, have I threatened you before?

* * *

**Gala:** Sorry I'm late, I was doing...Things.  
**Sahara:** *bursts in, out of breath* SHE PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKIN' STAIRS!

* * *

**[Texting]**  
**Neo:** Guys, I impulsively bought a snake, what do I call him  
**Cherry:** you diD WHAT-  
**Dab:** William Snakespeare duh

* * *

**Error:** Self care is actually getting into fights with randoms in dark alleys.  
**Dream:** No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on makeup if you like it, or taking a nice warm nap!  
**Killer:** Self care is the burning heat when rage washes over you! Self care is when you feel the bones crack under your powerful fists!! Self care is seeing the fear in your enemies' eyes!!!  
**Ink:** Lmao self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting.  
**Error:** You touch my birthday cake, I'll make you eat your hands.

* * *

**Blue:** Are we really going to let Dust keep Sprinkle?  
**Red:** We kept Stretch.

* * *

**Cream:** Hewwo.  
**Bunny:** Hihiiii!!!!  
**Duchess:** Greetings, everyone.  
**Classic:** Three kinds of people.  
**Miles:** I want pudding.  
**Cream:** Four kinds of people.  
**Millie:** SUP FUCKERS?!?!?!?  
**Razz:** Five kinds of people.

* * *

**Sorrell, motioning to a Halloween display:** All these ghosts! All these ghosts, and I still can't find a boo!

* * *

**Nightmare:** Go to Hell.  
**Killer, tearing up:** I wish I could...

* * *

**[Getting into a car]**  
**Blue:** I'm driving.  
**Ink, out of view:** Shotgun!  
**Dream, turning to face Ink:** Aww, but you had it on the way here!-  
**Dream and Blue:** WOAH-  
**Ink, holding a shotgun:** No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *pumps gun*

* * *

**[Killer, Dust, and Horror are sitting on a bench]**  
**Dream:** Aww, why do you guys look so sad?  
**Killer:** Sit down with us so we can tell you...  
**[Dream sits down]**  
**Killer:**  
**Dust:**  
**Dream:**  
**Horror:** The bench is freshly painted.

* * *

**Fresh:** Bridge the generational gap by combining old and new slang into one!  
**Cray:** Tubular AF!  
**Cil:** Mood to the max!  
**Mono, annoyed:** Groovy. I hate it.  
**PJ, just as annoyed:** If she breaths, she's a square...

* * *

**[Reactions to being told "I love you"]**  
**Fresh:** Thanks fam!  
**Blue:** Oh no.  
**Dream:** *cries* I love you too!!!  
**Ink:** Sounds fake but ok.  
**Red:** *a flustered mess*  
**Error:** Can I get a refund?

* * *

**Ink, after the X-Event in some random Multiverse:** BEHOLD! The field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

* * *

**Dust:** Horror was banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some.  
**Horror:** I'm just saying, they shouldn't say "all you can eat" if they don't mean it!  
**Dust:** Horror, you ate a chair.

* * *

**Blue:** If you had to choose between Ink and all the money I have on me, which would you pick?  
**Error:** How much money are we talking?  
**Ink:** Error!  
**Blue:** 63 cents.  
**Error:** I'll take the money.  
**Ink: _ERROR!_**

* * *

**Sci:** Everyone, synchronise your watches!  
**Geno:** I don't know how to do that.  
**Classic:** I don't wear a watch.  
**Fatal:** Time is a social construct...

* * *

**Dream:** You're a loose cannon, Ink.  
**Ink:** No way! I'm a cannon, maybe, but a loose one?! Is that what you think of me?!?!  
**Blue:** I think you play by your own rules.  
**Geno:** No way, he thinks rules were made to be broken.  
**Dream:** Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.  
**Ink:** No! I'm just a reckless renegade!! Error is a loose cannon!!!  
**Error:** *smashes a chair*

* * *

**[Everyone is over at Palette's apartment, before he and Goth move in together]**  
**Raven:** Ohhh, we get our own oven each?  
**Palette:**  
**Palette:** Nooo...  
**Palette, laughing:** How many ovens do you think I have?!  
**Raven, motioning to his kitchen:** Three, duh.  
**Goth:** I see a-  
**Palette, motioning to one device:** This is a microwave.  
**Raven:** Oh, well-  
**Palette:** H-Hey, wait wait wait, actually- Hang on- *fiddles with the buttons on the microwave*  
**Palette, amazed:** It's got a bake setting?!  
**Gradient:** Ohoho, you learn something new everyday!  
**Sprinkle:** Do we- Do we gotta roshambo for who gets to pick first?  
**Palette:** I've just discovered I have more ovens than I though, we don't have to roshambo nothin'!  
**Palette:** I am a person who owns four ovens...  
**Palette, louder and more excited:** I am someone...Who owns FOUR OVENS!  
**Palette:** I didn't know I was so oven-rich...  
**Cray, pointing to another device:** Also a toaster oven!  
**Palette:**  
**Raven:** Ohhh, toasty boy! Four- No, _five_ ovens!  
**Palette:**   
**Palette, fucking esTATIC:** I AM SOMEONE WHO OWNS _**FIVE OVENS!!!**_  
**[Later]**  
**Palette, calling Dream:** Dad! You are not gonna fucking believe this but- But- I own _FIVE OVENS!!!_

* * *

**Reaper, in raven form:** Physically? Yes, I could fight a bird.  
**Reaper:** But, emotionally..? Imagine the _toll_...

* * *

**PJ:** I'm going to take you out.  
**Fresh:** Great, it's a date!  
**PJ:** ...That was meant as a threat-  
**Fresh:** I'll see you at five!!

* * *

**{TW: A lot of yelling, swearing and humiliation}**

**[Talking about becoming a Gym Leader]**  
**PkmnTrainer! Error, joking:** Blue's just sitting at the end, juggling- Fushigi-ing 2 glass balls, in super tight pants, waiting for their kid delivery once they best his **minions.**  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** Well, they'd be Pokeballs. And it's not a kid delivery! There's no fucking guarantee that a kid will come into the _beginning_ of _my_ crucible and make it to the _end_.  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** In fact, I'm gonna stack this gym! With fuckin' Ace Trainers!  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** It's- It's gonna be brutal! It's be a torture gym!!  
**PkmnTrainer! Geno:** Well- Well what's the theme? Are you gonna, like- Is it a Bug Type theme?  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue, exasperated:** YEAH- YEAH GENO. UH- UH- UH- UH, YEAH, GENO. I'M GONNA FUCKING OPEN UP A BUG TYP GYM! YOU _**IDIOT**_!  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANT! BECAUSE I'M GONNA- I'M GONNA GIVE- I'M GONNA _SHIT_ OUT BADGES FOR EVERY HAM AND EGGS THAT WALKS THROUGH MY FRONT DOOR!  
**PkmnTrainer! Error:** *cracking up*  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** YEAH, GENO! "Uhhhh, go Caterpie!" That's me, you _FUCKING_ IMBECILE- "Yeah go- Uhh- D-Do your best, Kakuna!"  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOU- Yeah, a _Bug Type_ gym.  
**PkmnTrainer! Geno:**  
**PkmnTrainer! Error:** ...Okaaaay-  
**PkmnTrainer! Geno:** Alright, uh, I'm gonna go then. I've embarrassed myself...  
**PkmnTrainer! Error:** Maybe fire? Fire Type?  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** Yeah, fire-based? Like- Have fires?  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** Yeah, yeah, I'll probably just- That's a good idea Error! I'll probably do a Fire Type one...  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** SO THAT _ONE_ KID WITH _ONE_ SQUIRTLE OR OSHAWOTT OR WHATEVER THE FUCK CAN FUCK UP MY WHOLE SHOP!  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue:** KILLED ALL OF US WITH A SINGLE LOW-LEVELLED WATER TYPE?! HUH?!?! WOW, SHIT- I- I SHOULD'VE-  
**PkmnTrainer! Geno:** J-Just do rock, then! Just do Rock Type!  
**PkmnTrainer! Blue, voice dripping with contempt:** _**The same low-level Water Type...**_

* * *

**Error:** *screams*  
**Ink:** *screams louder to assert dominance*  
**Blue:** Should we...Should we do something?  
**Dream:** Nope, I wanna see who wins.

* * *

**[Sleepover, except everyone's drunk but Error]**  
**Blue:** What if the guy who named Walkie Talkies named other stuff...  
**Lavender:** Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies.  
**Geno:** Socks are Feetie Heaties...  
**Ink:** Forks are Stabby Grabbies.  
**Red:** Defilibrators are Heartie Starties.  
**Dream, stiffling laughter:** Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies!  
**Reaper, snickering:** Stamps are Lickie Stickies.  
**Error, annoyed:** You're all disappointments.

* * *

**Ariel:** Dumbest scar stories, go!  
**Sketch:** I burned my tongue once drinking tea.  
**Millie:** I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.  
**Miles:** I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in First Grade.  
**Rasp:** I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.  
**BB:**  
**Blot:** ...You don't ha-  
**BB:** I have emotional scars.

* * *

**Classic:** With great power comes a great need to take a nap. Wake me up later.

* * *

**Kiwi:** Am I in trouble?  
**Rasp:** Take a guess.  
**Kiwi:** No?  
**Rasp:** Take another guess.

* * *

**PJ:** Are you sure this is the right direction?  
**Ink:** Certainly, I'm as sure as I am honest!  
**Error, groaning:** In that case, we're _definitely_ lost!

* * *

**Lavender:** Ha! 69! You know what that means?!  
**Passion:** What?  
**Desire:** That you're a child.  
**Horror:** HOW'D YOU GUESS MY IQ?!?!

* * *

**Gradient:** Good morning.  
**Error:** Good morning.  
**Blot:** Good morning.  
**Sketch:** You all sound like boring robots! Try spicing it up a bit!  
**Ink, sliding down the banister:** MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

* * *

**Millie:** Everytime I hear someone joking about updog, I'm torn between not wanting to fall for it and wanting to help them complete the joke.  
**Cream:** Ok, but what is updog?  
**Classic:** Updog is a long sausage in a bun, often served with ketchup, mustard, onions, and/or relish.  
**Miles:** No, that's a hotdog. An updog is when a new version or patch of an application is released.  
**Bunny:** No, that's an update. You're thinking of the fourth largest city in Sweden.  
**Duchess:** Surely, that's Uppsala. Updog is the giant spider in Harry Potter.  
**Millie:** That's Aragog. Updog is a symbol conventially used for an arbitrarily small number in analysis proof.  
**Miles:** You're thinking of epsilon. Updog is an upward-moving air current.  
**Classic:** No, that's an updraft. An updog is the modern version of a henway.  
**Cream:** What's a henway?!  
**Millie:** Oh, about five pounds.  
**Razz, sitting across the room:** You all disappoint me more and more each day.

* * *

**Nightmare:** My life isn't as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.

* * *

**BB:** You often use humor to deflect trauma.  
**Blot:** Thanks.  
**BB:** I never said that was a good thing!  
**Blot:** What _I'm_ hearing is, you think I'm funny.

* * *

**Error:** I trust Ink.  
**PJ:** You think he knows what he's doing?  
**Error:** I wouldn't go *that* far.

* * *

**PJ:** Why are Ink and Error sitting with their backs to each other?  
**Gradient:** They had a fight.  
**PJ:** ...Then why are they holding hands?  
**Gradient:** They get sad when they fight.

* * *

**Ink:** I'm an idiot.  
**Error:**  
**PJ:**  
**Gradient:**  
**Blot:**  
**Sketch:**  
**Digit:**  
**Ink:**  
**Error:** If you're waiting for us to disagree this is gonna be a long day...

* * *

**Cross:** Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?  
**Nightmare** : Nope, absolutely not.  
**Dust:** I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.  
**Killer:** I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life!  
**Cross, laughing and tearing up:** _"I hope it emotionally scars you-"_  
**Horror:** I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you!  
**Error:** I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could have changed the outcome.

* * *

**Geno, at the Gods:** I'm sick of tired of being called "mortal" like, you don't know that! Neither do I! I have never died properly even ONCE! Nothing has been proven yet! Stop making assumptions, it's rude!

* * *

**Rei:** WHAT'S YOUR TYPE?!  
**Millie:** Anything, honestly, but nerds especially-  
**Rei, desperately, as Millie bleeds out:** _**NO MILLIE YOUR BLOOD TYPE!**_  
**Millie:** Oh! B positive!  
**Rei:** DON'T TRY TO CHEER ME UP JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE!!!  
**Millie:**

* * *

**Blot:** Come on, I wasn't that drunk last night!  
**Sketch:** You were flirting with Rasp.  
**Blot:** So what? She's my partner!  
**Sketch:** You asked if she was single.  
**Blot:**  
**Sketch:** ...And cried when she said no.

* * *

**Chess:** You know those things will kill you, right?  
**Dance, pouring another glass of whiskey:** That's the point.  
**G, smoking a cigarette:** We're trying to speed up the process.  
**Katana:** *nods furiously whilst eating raw cookie dough*

* * *

**Error:** Where are Blot, Sketch, and Digit?!  
**Ink:** They're playing Hide and Seek.  
**Error:** Where?!?!  
**Ink:**  
**Ink:** I don't think you get how this game works...

* * *

**Dream, about Ink wooing Error:** Just be yourself!  
**Ink:** "Be myself"? Dream, I have to one day win Error over! how long did it take for you guys started liking me?!  
**Blue:** Couple weeks.  
**Geno:** Six months.  
**Reaper:** The jury's still out on that one...  
**Ink:** See, Dream?  
**Ink:** "Be myself," what kind of garbage advice is that?!?!?!

* * *

**5 year old Digit, walking into Error and Ink's room:** I frew up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i need to stop making new aus all the time


End file.
